Look, we all know that "wrong" is everywhere on the Internet. And we've learned to look with half-open eyes, as if passing a wreck on the freeway. But every so often comes an insult that cannot be dismissed.
It's come to my attention that some "forward-thinking" blogs (see here, here, and here) are loudly proclaiming the death of bacon. Such a bold affront to all that is tasty cannot go without a response.
These misguided souls would have you believe that, because bacon has been co-opted and merchandised by the pop culture powers-that be, we should all take our love for the hard-working hogmeat underground.
No! Not now, not tomorrow! Not ever!
Don't shun the king of breakfast meats just because the hipsters have latched on. Welcome them into the circle with open arms. After all, bacon is The Peoples' Meat. How did the Malamute Kid survive on Alaskan dogsled trails in the 1800's? Beans and bacon, chappy. Staple protein during the Great Depression? Yessir, bacon. And for modern-day spendthrifts, what's the only thing Denny's can cook right? C'mon, you already know.
Don't let the terrorists win. They can have our bacon when they pry it from our cold, dead (and slightly greasy) fingers.
Footnote: The bacon industry bailout is failing in Congress. We encourage you to do your part to prop up the salted-and-cured meat industry by going deeper into personal debt. This holiday season, please spend the money you don't have on bacon and bacon-related merchandise.